Grief

And sometimes when I pray... We once looked at a house when we were a young married couple. It was the most beautiful house I have seen yet to this day. It was huge, with parkayed floors and walls - using oak wood to make beautiful designs. In the kitchen the cupboards were old fashioned and solid oak, with a pantry of solid oak. There was a "pie kitchen" off to the back that was all screened in, along with a beautiful porch off the front. The living room, dining room and another room were open to each other with tall pillars of oak stretching from the parkayed floors to the oak coves. The basement was perfectly square, cemented out with high ceilings... the way it looked it had never been used. The house was old, and yet it all looked untouched... as if they carefully built it with character then wrapped it up and boxed it for the future. The rounded wide stair case went to a huge upstairs... room after room it went. How in the world would we be able to heat this house? It was $28,000... with a pink barn and an acre to go with it! How would I be able to take care of a house this size? What would the upkeep be like? We were young and my father in law was negative. Plus, the town it was in was just not where we were to be (these are the things I told myself).

Someone else bought the house and they fixed it up on the outside so beautiful... I can't imagine what it must be like in there... through the years I drove by it when we were in town just to look at it. There is children living in this house. I don't know the family... but I remember so well the day she was killed. The neighbors had a swing set that was also very old. A freak accident took the little girls life... her brother by her side. And my heart travailed for this mother... I felt myself holding her and rocking her and telling her that it was going to be okay. That the Lord didn't take her but that He was there to receive her into his arms. I saw a picture of her and I weeped for days and days. It has been several years sense that day... I still drive by the house and I know in my heart how they would give anything to have back their little girl - and if I could I would give up all my dreams of the house and everything I own so they could hold her one more time and tell her again how much she is loved... but, I can't - so instead I will hold in my mind her picture and each time I think of the beauty of that house, I will remember the pain of a family with a little girl whose beauty will always be young as if she were made with perfect character and wrapped up and sent to Heaven ahead of time. And although I will never understand - I know we have a promise that Jesus died and rose again. Jesus, You have come to heal the brokenhearted... I pray now that You will comfort this family whom I do not know and assure them that you love them and have given them everlasting consolation and good hope through grace. And Lord, if You could please... gently rock them in the comfort of Your Love. AMEN

Generations

This small boy sinks comfortably in her lap
So content to sit and be held

She is blind and deaf and yet her senses have come vividly alive.
As she drinks in the smell of his skin,
She is aware of herself as a young mother and the
Generations melt away.

In her mind, in the words of the Spirit,
She listens to her 97 years of life
Realizes she has been around the world and back
... Yet finds herself where she started
Holding on tight to life
... Taking her first breath
And strangely enough she sees
Her future in her arms.

Consider how the lilies grow. If this is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is gone... how much more will he clothe you. From the book of Matthew

As I look at this picture of my first grandchildren
Something deep inside me moves.
I realize as I study it
That this exact moment will never be relived
Yet it will live on.
As a sister sits with her baby brother
Showing him patience and love.
He seems to be listening to her gentle voice
They seem to be consumed
By a love so beyond what a grown mind can understand.
They seem to be comforted
By the promise of Our Savior.

And my grandmothers heart beats to the waving of the grass
I reach into the picture
Touch each one of them and plant a Lilly by their small hands.
I am consumed by a love so deep
Only God can understand
The missing beats
Of a grandmothers heart.

The suitcase

I remember always thinking that my grandma was a "cool" one. Grams drove her own car (her husband had died when I was 2). Wore white dresses and heels with beehive hairdo's dyed red. She wore eye brow make-up and red lipstick. When my grandma would come to visit in Minnesota she had this great small piece of luggage... it had a lock and when it it opened there was a mirror in the cover and a removable tray. The tray housed plenty of good things - but oh the pleasure when you would take the tray out and there would be all these things that little girls loved. She would always let me look through it and use the make up and try on the jewelry. I thought she must be rich at the time - all those jewels and sometimes a little something for me. On every trip I remember that suitcase, the pleasure of touching it with small hands that wanted to be grown up... to try black eye brow pencil with red lipstick... and wonder if I would be as pretty as my mom and grams when I grew up. There was a comfort in seeing it when we went to her house also, it was always in her bathroom. Through the years as I grew older, I never remember the things in there changing much... it lost its appeal as I bought my own make-up...

It was in 2004 when my grams moved from her home in Huron, SD - back to Willow Lake, where she had been born and raised and then raised her own family. She moved to an apartment to be closer to my aunt as she was needing more help.

I remember when we packed up the house... the suitcase...

Funny how things go - it looked exactly the same as I remembered it when I was a little girl.

And I wonder if my grams packed that suitcase back in 1960 and brought it each time for her little girl? Could it be possible she didn't wear make-up and jewelry at all?

Downhill - another moment!

She is in her room. Her room is really the only thing that she could call her own anymore and yet she has no reason to care if it is hers. When I first met her she was a fiesty ole gal, small and pretty - wheeling around looking for the breakfast that she just got done eating. In constant battle with the staff that in her mind are out to take all that she doesn't have... they put peanut butter on the bread that she will soon blame them for taking, and pour her coffee that she will say they didn't pour - it is a constant uphill battle sometimes. And yet, today she hasn't eaten much in over a week - her smallnes is even smaller (if that is possible). Laying in her bed facing the wall, her wedding and family pictures in the back ground. When I come in to the room I do it carefully, asking if I can sit with her she smiles at me and moves over patting the bed beside her. Sitting next to her I feel like a helpless giant... what can I do to help? She asks me to scratch her back. Taking the lotion from the shelf I pour it into my hands and rub it into her paper thin skin - my hands trace over her skin feeling the life that she lived. She smiles the whole time and thanks me... and says "you girls are so good to me!" - taking this moment I realize we are on our way down the hill now... it is easier and God is here. Take her hand Lord - and remember she likes peanut butter toast with her coffee!

(The names and dates have been changed the story is true only in my mind)

Evermore

If you could go back and change one thing in your life...
what would it be?
Would it be something that would set your heart free?
Do you find yourself trapped in something from the past
That you wish your life wouldn't have moved so fast?
Is there love in your life that has given you pain?
A feeling of a house flooded with rain?


I would change only the things that wouldn't change me.
I would take my broken heart and break it again.
If just to slow things down to see them all more clearly
To take the pain and feel it for them all
Letting the flood gates of Heaven flood me for evermore... evermore!

The Racer!

Jaci, Emily and Lindsey ran in a 5 K race last week. They all did well, it was such a fun thing to do as a family. They had a beautiful day to run on the path that was layed out for them. Think of the race... God says run the race that is layed before you ... I think of her, little legs with her white tennis shoes, a number on her back - how beautiful God has designed us from conception - it is such a miracle. She lifts her head slightly to the sun that is shining on the path, and her feet move in the direction of His breath. She finishes with a sense of accomplishment. And later that day when they are at a dance recital they ask "Jaci, why aren't you in dance?" and she answers with assurance in her voice ...
"BECAUSE I AM A RACER!"

The snowman

On Sunday the girls all went down to grandmas to play some domino's. Conner layed down for a nap with his papa and Jaci and I dressed for a little outside play. It was beautiful outside and lots of snow to play in! We had these great plans to make a snowman. We bagged up a hat, carrot and buttons and headed outside. Walking around the house we climbed the huge snow piles to get to a place where we could roll out some large snow balls. Yes, we had a plan my baby and I!! Everywhere we went we faced problems. The snow wouldn't stick, our boots were getting stuck, and our mittens were wet... well, this just wasn't working, it just wasn't snowman snow!!! In the front yard there was a very large amount of snow "banked" up. Jaci and I looked up and we were sure we could see that the Lord had already made a snowman!! So she climbed up that bank, put his hat on... gave him two eyes and a nose... and I'll be if we didn't have the hugest snowman you ever did see. When her and I held hands and looked up at our accomplishment I was sure I could see the face of God, and I know I was holding his hand... and I gave thanks once again for little girls and snowmen!!

Annabelle's wish

Christmas 2009. It was a beautiful time together with family. Snow storms were predicted the whole week and people were told to stay put through out the Holiday. My whole family was home before the snow on Christmas eve. The only one missing was Chris as he had to work and didn't want to chance the snow storm. We had all special foods, the presents were wrapped and the house was clean and full of family love. There is no better time than when the "Spirit of Christmas" fills your home. I believe where two or more are gathered in His name that He is there with you - and surely the presence of the Lord was in our place. We ate, opened gifts, took pictures and read the Christmas story from the book of Luke. It was indeed snowy outside, the fireplace burning on the inside! When our Christmas eve was over and it was time for bed... my cup runneth over!! Jaci and her momma went upstairs to sleep, Linsey down to grandmas, Lacey in Anns room, and Conner had himself a little bed on the living room floor. He is a night owl so we would need to watch a movie as he settled in for his sleep. His choice was the movie they had brought from their home "Annabell's wish". He layed in his bed, his soft baby blond hair against the pillow, covers up under his armpits, arms crossed on his chest. He said "gramma can we watch Annabews wish?". And, so we did. It was the best story about a calf named Annabelle born on Christmas Eve... she had a very special wish to fly like one of Santa's reindeer. Annabelle shows everyone the true meaning of Christmas by making one very special wish come true... for Billy to be able to talk. It is a movie about unselfish giving...and it warmed my heart. Conner stayed awake and watched the whole movie with me that night. When it was over he looked at me and smiled and closed his eyes and went to sleep. And I thought about the movie as i prayed for my family...and the next day we would again watch "Annabews wish"... and again... and again...!!!

Rhythm

Now, sense that day in NewUlm it seems that Jaci and I have a thing about "peacocks". We go to see them whenever we can. In Glencoe there is a wildlife park and there are peacocks here also. Isn't it strange, never having seen a white peacock before our trip to the brewery... here is another one. He is full of beautiful white feathers, and then his competition is in full color. They dance and flirt with the girls while jaci and I sit and watch... and I think that we have totally moved from this world and gone to a place just for grandmas.
And I pray that I will always have the peace that I feel right now...
as I hold my Jaci's hand and breath in the scent of her innocence...
and move to the rhythm of His heart.

The dance

When JaciAnna was a little girl (around the summer of her 3rd year) - she came to stay with her grandma a few days. I got to have her all to myself. I dressed her up as cute as I could and we went on a "day trip". When we got to the Shells Brewery Park which is in NewUlm - she woke from her back seat nap. We hopped out of the car and took in the warm sun on our skin... walking around all the paths that make up the park. There were rocks piled up on a hill making a beautiful place for flowers to grow around and over... purple phlox is what I remember the most. It was the time of year for new growth, and new birth. Behind the hill phlox were peacocks. There must have been 20 of them all different sizes, some were babies. The male peacock totally took over my mind that day. He was "flirting" with the other ladies and he had on a "full dress". He was probably only about 5 feet from Jaci and I. He looked at us and then his lady friend then back at us. I heard his feathers ruffling as if the wind was blowing through them making his colors move to the rhythm of his heart. She looked back at him and then at us and suddenly in the back row the head dancer came forward... He was totally white and his feathers showed no color and yet when he fanned out the beauty of the two males next to each other was breath taking. There we were, my baby and I being instructed in dance by nature. And I realized we were truly a part of Gods glorious plan. So I hugged my girl, we both took a deep breath and left them to their dance.

Carolina moon

The moon is high in the sky to the east of my house tonight. I think of her - and even though I know she is gone it is hard to believe sometimes. I have lived in this area for 36 years and she has always been my neighbor.

I always remember the fires in her "outside fireplace", burning trash for pleasure. The gingersnap cookies in the jar, radio playing classical music and of course on her own piano a picture of her at 90 riding horse for the first time. She loved to read before she lost her vision, and after... - well, she loved to crochet. She did it by feel, stitched everyone in her family an afghan - and then some!! One time when I was over at her house cleaning I remember her telling me how she loved being blind and crocheting. She said she could see the most beautiful things. A trumpeter swan swimming on the lake with the sunshine at its back... and when she looked out toward the grocery store she could see the big ole hay stacks from years gone by and it made her feel at home. And I realize I am a part of her... I am her listener.

Many times during my children's sermons I got to talk about her and something she had done or said - using it as a learning lesson for the kids. I'll always remember her 97th birthday party - there were cars lined up for blocks. For days people came and went from her home. At that time I wished I could be a member of her family. I wanted to be within the walls listening to stories of life, laughing about the pet crow. And I realized at that time I am a part of her family... I am her sister.

She played the piano as long as she could - songs that she had memorized, she said it was good for her brain to play the notes by memory and the ivories by feel... good for her brain? I guess I will need to remember that on my 97th birhday! And I realize I am a part of her family... I am her student.

In December of 2008 the Sunday School program was "Christmas with grandma". It will always be special to me - those times at her house working with her on the lines and then the actual program sitting beside her (I was Aunt Mae). Listening as she told the children of Christmas's gone by. And her favorite story from the book of Luke. I am thank-ful the children got to spend this time with this church lady!! She was a member of the Arlington United Methodist Church for 100 years!! The children, their families, myself, we are all a part of the body of Christ.

Of all the memories I have through the years - the best were the times that I got to pray with her. She was always so appreciative and you knew that it made her feel better to be speaking with the Lord. She always smiled, and always said thank-you. Even that day - after she had left her home, and now hadn't left her bed. She was quiet and still and yet when I asked her if we could pray for her... she took my hand and smiled. And so... we did... we prayed and we thanked God for a wonderful life and for the witness that she was to so many. And when I left that building and I looked up to the west - I saw the moon.

Palm Sunday

If he were born in the 2000's the man would have had some big diagnosis of this I am sure. But, rather he was born in 1956... living his life as a normal man without normalcy. How does one do this? I have watched him struggle now for 20 plus years... going from having his own home and a very good job... to really having nothing except the town park bench to draw attention to himself when he is on the flip side of bipolar (he finally did get labeled in about 2001).
Tim was born and raised Catholic. The Methodist church in town has been very good to him also however, so he often times hits mass on Saturday afternoon and then hits the 2nd service on Sunday at our church. It was Palm Sunday 2010. Our Pastor was talking to us all about "praise and worship". What it talks about in the bible about waving palm branches. How earlier in bible times, people waved their palm branches in praise to the King of Kings. Pastor asked us (and himself) to step outside of our box and as we would sing praise songs, we were each given palm branches to wave in the air as an act of worship. As we were filling our small sanctuary with large voices of praise - I saw Tim. There he was - eyes closed, hands up, and palm branches waving in the air as he sang. He was surrounded by the Holy presence of God. And I prayed: Lord, who am I to decide what normal is? Thank-you for my friend Tim. Proctect him with your Love as he goes about his life in this world that doesn't understand. Love him and always keep his heart open and a palm branch in his hands! AMEN

The bathroom window

... he was driving a big ole maroon ford - the kind that you can eat a 6 course meal off the dash board. At the stop light taking a left and I was at the stop light going straight. I saw his face and I knew in an instant that was the one I wanted to marry. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. I got to get a closer look about a week later when we just happened to stop by his apartment. My good friend Lori (his sister in law) and jahunger (a friend from hungry that was working at the group home with us) and of course myself. Well I'll be if that man didn't take my breath away. All the way from his long black curly hair, his beautiful blue eyes and his gentle quiet demeanor. He asked me out that night, told me he would be there the next Saturday night and we would go to the races in Arlington. I didn't care much for races, but, I really didn't care what I cared about at the time - except for the fact he would be picking me up!!!
My bathroom window looked out over hi way 5 that was the way I figured he would be coming in that night. I sat by that window waiting for the car to see that maroon ford... it didn't come
and I didn't see it
and he was late - with no call
and I should have known better...
he wasn't coming.........
but he did... I saw that car coming in to town - I didn't care that he was late - he did show... Arlington raceway here we come!!!

Take the time...

When JaciAnna was a tot my mom went and stayed with her and her family in their little house in Foley. Mom would go to help out with daycare and whatever else they needed done. The fun part about this was that the house was butted up against a state park with a wonderful walking path. Grandma Dorius and JaciAnna got to go walking quite a bit during that summer stay. They would go out and hold hands and walk down the path. There was a bench about half way. Sitting there on a bench with a little 2 year old...
... can you imagine their joy listening to the beautiful orchestra that nature provides. Crickets, frogs, katydids, birds, the cardinals love cry? We are all in such a hurry that you really have to wonder if we have time for these things?
Just recently we were celebrating Easter with all of our family and JaciAnna said to her great grams "DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED TO LISTEN TO THE BIRDS?"

Oriental Buffets

I was told once that a oriental company had a big meeting trying to figure out how to make some money. "Lets bottle some water, seal it and sell it to the Americans. They buy anything. So I think to myself how it all got started. They told us how the ground waters were contaminated with fertilizers, garbage, chemicals and such. Then they started on city water using chlorine and other things in our drinking water that are terribly hazardous to our health. The next thing you know they are bottling "spring water" straight from the artisan wells. (Artisan well? what the heck is that? It sounds healthy though doesn't it?) Bottled water is a multi million dollar business. What the heck I say again! I have thought about this many time through out the years when I lay my $1.50 out there for a bottle of WATER!! What is wrong with this picture? Then I really get out there and I start thinking about my obsession for oriental food. Obviously these people do not eat their own food... they are all about the size of Jack O'Lane (isn't he like 90 years old and swam some great distance recently?) I know that honestly these people can not be eating the food that they set out in the buffet line, it is not possible to eat that way and stay their way. So in conclusion... anyone ready for the "Oriental Dragon" in Waconia?

The door

One of my other great memories from junior high:
Yes, they were going to start a girls basketball team for Arlington-Green Isle schools. I was in 8th grade and I had myself a new friend (Carolbethyname). We hit it off immediately when we saw each other - inseparable! So, who better to join the team with! Practice would begin this Monday, anyone who wanted to come and join was welcome. We sat there on those hard bleachers, Carol and I. We were going to make a difference for all of the girls across America. The "coach" talked to us about what the year would entail and how important it was going to be to work together as a team. Many girls were sitting there right along side us preparing themselves for this new adventure in our school. We were really in to this, ready to be a "team player". Our "coach" announced (with great excitement in her voice) that we would be starting out our memorable year with 10 laps around the gym. Well, I'll be if something didn't stir in me so deep I thought I was going to toss a cookie right there! What the heck! I wasn't going to be running around no gym for anyone! Not for the sake of A-GI Junior high, or for girls across America! The Presidential Fitness Awards plan we did every year was quite enough running for me! So, we took our running legs and ran right out the door.

The cheerleader

The only time I ever really feel "anxiety" is about my weight. It usually happens before bed when I go over in my mind what I have eaten and what kind of exercise I have done through out the day. I get all pumped up thinking tomorrow is the day that I will start the rest of my life and I will be on a journey to get skinny and stay that way! I get it all planned out in my head and can't quit thinking about it. One night I had my weight loss plan all in place... I need to lose 50 pounds... and it needs to be for good this time! I need to change my eating habits and that is all there is to it!! Suddenly I had some not so fond memories of being a "chubby" child...
I never thought I had a weight problem. My mom and dad always made me feel so special and so beautiful. It was 7th grade... big time for a teen! Cheerleaders were a big thing back in the 70's and there was no doubt in my mind that I would be one. The try outs were after school. I got my best voice and smile out and jumped around to the cheer they had showed us to use for the occasion. I left that place with a smile imagining myself as a cheerleader and being quite proud of how well I had done. Well, to my great dismay, when they posted the list of the new 7th grade cheer leading squad - I was not on the list! It hit me like a brick, how could I have not known? I am fat, and one thing the world doesn't need is a fat cheer leader! For goodness sakes what in the world was I thinking? Why didn't anyone tell me before I made a fool out of myself? I don't remember what my reactions were... but, I do remember my mom and I joined TOPS (take off pounds sensibly) - and I lost 50 pounds!!!
Now, as a "chubby" adult - almost 50 - I realize, I have gained and lost that same 50 pounds my whole life! I think that will be my plan tonight:
I am almost 50 - time to take off that 50 forever!!

Fershuetta

How do you stop from being mad? It is not an emotion I am exactly fond of. I believe it covers up some other feeling inside you. I do not think it is your right if you are mad to spout off your mouth and hurt others feelings... but hey, I am normal I was really feeling some deep seated anger and some nice slinging language in my gut. When I got home I heard on the answering machine... "yah, this is Tim - Fairyetta's (fayetta's) house went for $29,500. Well I am telling you I laughed so hard that the anger was gone almost instantly - but lets not bring it up again!

Everyday life - another moment

It was a cold in McCloud at the "Loving Tender Care" unit. I believe it was in November.
The Hospice room was still occupied with the lady who came in September. Her death sentence from this life was only a few days and yet we were going on months here... her family forever by her side. The family had asked that staff and visitors not come... she had wanted to go on this journey with just those very close to her. Staff was very respectful and nursing just went in when they had to. Our Department did not need to go in at all. Once in awhile you would get a glimpse of her husband and you could give him a smile to help his day... that was really the only way I could help. One day while gathering down the hall (there is a hospice room there) - something happened that I will never forget and yet it is hard to write so that you can fully understand the beauty of everyday life that is offered to us.


There was music coming from somewhere. I thought they must have a CD player on in one of the rooms and went to find out what they were listening to. I discovered it was coming from the Hospice room and we weren't to go in there. I just casually looked in and listened at the same time. Standing at the foot of the Hospice bed was a man playing the violin. I knew the man and have heard him play before. He is wonderful, and yet this music was like something I have never heard before. If you could capture everything beautiful into time - you would have the moment I am talking about. I stood there and witnessed the true miracle of people coming together for the sake of another. The music he played on his violin was the balm of Jesus flowing through out that whole place. There was no pain, no sorrow, no worries, just heavens sunshine filling every space there was! Oh how I thank the Lord for these moments.

The next week I was able to talk to the husband who was in the commons room. I told him I had gotten the privilege to listen to some of the music last week. He then proceeded to tell me the most beautiful story. He told me that John had played at his wedding. John was about a 14 year old boy at the time. Trying to think of how he could make this day special he had called him to see if he could come and play some music for his wife. He wasn't sure John was in the area (he hadn't actually seen them sense the wedding) but he looked up his number and did indeed call him. No answer, so he put a message on the machine.

John just happened to be stopping by the house to finish up business before leaving that night on to Florida for the winter. When he listened to the message he called, and explained that he would be in shortly - he was leaving but he would be happy to come and play for them. John says: Violens have a sound similar to the human voice. Violin sounds bring joy, comfort and excitement. They have been called magical because of the things that happen to people when they hear the sounds.


Can you imagine? All the things that had to come together for this to happen? Can you feel that someone else was in charge? Even in our time of dying the Lord offers us comfort and hope through other people. You never know when you will be at Heavens door right here on earth. Helping someone be ushered through it! What a privilege I have been given. Thank - you Jesus for these moments!

(The names and dates have been changed, These stories are true only in my mind)

Everything

As I look around this place - all I really have is you...
Oh how I love you my friend,
You have been with me all of my life, holding my hand, playing house, barbies what ever I wanted to do. We were way out there in the country just you and me, really we had no friends but I don't think we ever knew it. We were all we really needed. A few clock radios to take a part, a few toy tractors, some watches and a family love that no one else around us had. I think they wondered about us... you and me... they may have thought we were a bit strange, all the places we went in that car that never moved. All the picnics we had with no food. All the houses we lived in with dirt floors, and the dandelions we cooked up for supper. Who could have ever known that after all these years, all these miles... it would still be me and you? I love you my brother. And, all I really have is you God - I have everything!

I understand

So as I write this with knowledge of what pku is I venture a little more in to a time in my parents life that I can't really understand - as I was young. With the "Meyer" family being so big and everyone having lots of kids I started to wonder why I was the baby and there were no more? My dad loved children and my mom was a hard worker and obviously loved us - so would she eventually have more children? I never thought a whole lot about it until I got older and we were at a family reunion on the Meyer side. There were 100's of people there. All of the families were bigger than ours. Questions ran through my mind as a young 13 year old... didn't my mom and dad like kids? Didn't they have enough money to have anymore? Was there something wrong with my mom that she couldn't have anymore? The list when on and on in my juvenile mind, it never once occured to me that what my brother Jeff had (pku) could be given to other children. I never understood why you wouldn't want anymore children as I never realized there was anything wrong with Jeff. I figured everyone had a Jeff and was as lucky as I was. I remember the ladies who babysat us, Clara and Ursie. They said "they wouldn't take a million dollars for Jeff, but they wouldn't give a penny for another one". They were older ladies and the work had gotten to much for them as Jeff was a hand full. With this statement and the maturing of my mind I started to realize more of the facts that Jeff was indeed different than me and other kids that I knew. He took a lot of care with his special diet and special needs. And although my mom and dad loved us both very much, it would be to much of a risk to have another child. So like Clara and Ursie said "We wouldn't take two million dollars for Jeff" he was ours and we loved him so but two kids were enough... and I finally understand.

I can't

Hello everyone! I have some stories I want to post about my favorite brother, Jeffrey Alan Meyer. Before I can do any of that I have to start with a few facts so you can better understand the stories. Jeff has phenylketonuria... or he is known as a phenylketonuric... does that sound serious or what? There are so many stories I want to share for the future generations - so the understanding of this word will be important. Jeff was born on April 14th, 1958. He was the cutest little boy you ever did see and I hope to get a picture of him posted soon. In 1958 they did not do the PKU testing on new born babies (It became a law in 1960 that all babies born would be tested for this genetic disorder, because brain damage could be prevented by a strict diet). It was a little known genetic disorder that he did not get tested for until 1960 (shortly before my birth). By then there had been two years of brain damage from protein. With this genetic disorder the dad carries one bad and one good gene and the mom carries one bad gene and one good gene. Jeff got both the bad genes - thus leaving him without an enzyme in his brain that dissolves protein. As he drank and ate protein - the phenylalanine level in his brain caused brain damage. My grandma Meyer (who had 10 children of her own, and many grandchildren by now) told my dad that she thought there was something wrong with Jeff as he wasn't walking yet and just seemed behind... she suggested going to a Dr. My mom was already pregnant with me when the testing began at the University of Minnesota. They had done most of the tests and told my parents they couldn't find anything wrong - he was just probably going to be slow - but, there was one more test they would run with a possibility of 1 in 100,000 that he could have. The test was done and they were called in to indeed find out this is what their precious son had... PHENYLETONURIA. Sometimes I try to imagine what it must have been like for my mom and dad at this moment... but I can't -

Spider man underwear!

It was the day before Easter and we were celebrating with some swimming at the Holiday Inn. Well, it is going on 8:00, 2 straight hours of swimming, showing us their tricks. It is time to get out of the water and end our day together. Daddy pulls him out with a very loud, long protest from our little Conner. The wailing goes on as we walk through all the people. JaciAnna holds my hand not quite understanding what could have her brother so upset! When we get to our room Conner laid on the bed next to his Papa, face in his hands and still crying. How long can this possibly go on? Was there something I didn't see? Did he get his heart crushed somehow? If there is one thing a grammie isn't to good with anymore... it is that sad sounding cry from a tired little guy! Grammie Pammie asks if we put on the new "spider man" underwear if that will help... ahhhh papa says "I want spider man underwear too!" He lifts his head up and says "papa you need the big underwear!" After he gets his new red and blue spider mans on he says in his most gentle sweet voice..."Papa, am I really cool with these on?" ... and if needed I will buy 100 more pairs of spider man underwear if I can stop the cry of this wee little guy!

Moments

Asleep on the bed, crisp white pillow against his skin. Slight lines appear on his skin, not like aging but more like a life well lived. With his eyes closed against the light of the day - I realize it was a nap time for Delbert, and yet he has a big smile on his lips for all to enjoy. "Come on in, now I see who you are, I would love to sit and have a "reading". That is what he calls it. Sometimes he reads to me from the pages of his big print bible but today I will read to him from Acts chapter 13. I read and he listens and the more I read words I didn't understand the more I understood them. After chapter 13 is read he told me he is not tired and was thinking about getting out his guitar... Oh how I love these moments! Carefully he takes out the electric guitar from its case and sets all the dials. His kids bought him this guitar... they wouldn't tell him the price - but, he knows he tells me that it was no cheap purchase! He holds the guitar and strums with long musical fingers calloused from many years of holding down metal strings. We take out the music books and start to sing. My favorite was when he started singing "I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold, I'd rather have Jesus than stories untold..." His 92 year old tenor voice filled that small room and the presence of God was ushered in - my insides were filled with a magical love - it was no longer Delbert and I singing - it was a choir of angels telling our hearts stories of days gone by and days on the road to Heaven. My time with Delbert is time spent with the Lord - why is that I have been blessed to spend this moment in time with this wonderful man? How can I ever thank this 92 year old man for what he has given me? To be escorted to the gates by this man, to hear Heaven in my heart, to feel the brush of angels wings on my face and to know the God he sings to is the one who loves me too! Lord, how I love these moments... THANK-YOU!

(The names, dates, places have been changed, these stories are true only in my mind)